The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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