Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
