I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
