I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
