No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
