We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
