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Fuck
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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