Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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