i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
