I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
