i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
