We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
