please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
