A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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