So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
