im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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