my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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