It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
