I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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