If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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