so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
