so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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