Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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