I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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