she was so not down for the gang bang
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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