i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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