I can text with my tongue
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
