i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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