So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
