remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
