Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
