Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
