If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
