you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
