Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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