Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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