I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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