You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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