i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize