He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
