just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
