Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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