just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
