Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My life is pants optional.
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