I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
