I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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