I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
