My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
