Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
