Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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