She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
