we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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