he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
