just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
