party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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