Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
