she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
